Look what Henry Cavill got for Christmas

In a move to control costs at DC, Warner Brothers abandons its only hope at rebuilding franchise success.

So, after Studio Bosses at Warner Brothers told Henry Cavill he was going to be returning to the dream role of Superman, and encouraging him to break the news to Fans the world over, what happened? It was a mob hit. Clean. Professional. Nobody saw it coming, least of all the man with such a big target on his chest. Just like Michael Corleone told his brother Sonny, “It’s not personal. It’s strictly business.”

Enforcing an approved edict from that Bastard Spawn, David Zazlov (no doubt the result of an unplanned hate/revenge fuck session between the Grinch & Ebenezer Scrooge), in strolls his anointed Consigliere, aptly named James Gunn, assassinating the hopes and dreams of millions of people across the planet by forcing their Hero to eat his own Heart in front of all of them. In a move that showed the World how callous, manipulative and repugnant the subculture beneath the painted facade of Hollywood can be, Henry Cavill responded by demonstrating the finest qualities we look for in our Heroes, announcing his own surprise firing just a week before Christmas.

Acting out these farcical last orders, he fell on his proverbial sword for the good of DC’s crumbling empire. Cavill’s eloquence sent an unspoken message to every witness, a sensation of truth and of loss that left little question as to which side of the situation Humanity would show their support in the tidal wave of online reactions that immediately followed.

Acting like he’s just the Messenger, Gunn added further insult to Cavill’s blunt dismissal with his whole, “no hard feelings, but I have other plans” bullshit. Kinda funny he doesn’t seem to recognize that (current yet temporary) Zazlov would happily serve Gunn his own dick if there was a nickel of profit in it. But Zazlov is no Godfather. He seems little more than a petty numbers man, and decisions like this one are how we came to have justifications such as “to save the village, we had to destroy it.”

Henry Cavill did as Zazlov and Gunn ordered, shocking fans the world over and permanently destabilizing whatever foundation Gunn may think he has to build on moving forward. Personally, if the rumors are true and Rocket dies in the next Guardians of the Galaxy movie, not only will I not watch that shit happen, any support I might have had for Gunn’s DCverse will be done permanently.

Deliberately moving forward with a new vision for DC - one that costs less money and even less sensibility - Zazlov & Gunn have brazenly asserted that ramming the iceberg is the best way to save the already sabotaged and sinking ship.

But just when you could almost hear the shrill cackling from the most heinous and narcissistic of gloating Harpies rise from the reek of stale alcohol and even staler urine drenched public toilets known as the “Netflix Witcher Showrunner Offices”, Dawn broke on the Horizon. The man who knew and defended the source material the franchise was built upon stood vindicated, proven to be maligned by deluded beggars with little imagination, easily forgotten. That is the most attention those beasts deserve.

Like Sean Connery in You Only Live Twice, Henry Cavill showed himself to be far more wily and hard to kill than stinky monkey Daniel Craig turned out to be. Regardless of which franchise ignores or pisses away his talents, Mr. Cavill’s ability to maintain dignity and grace makes him a genuine role model - particularly for younger Fans who might be searching for a father figure, even if that man plays fictional characters for entertainment.

But the story doesn’t end here. As with any good Christmas Story, it ends with a Christmas Miracle - at least, that’s how it played out online, so we’ll go with that.

Turns out, there’s yet another franchise For which Henry Cavill would be perfect, he’s already a big fan of and very familiar with the material, and when he announced it, mutual fans of that franchise lost their collective minds and showed their support. In other words, another nearly guaranteed hit as long as Henry doesn’t get screwed like pretty much ever other hit in his career. Seriously, Henry Cavill’s career is like every Sean Bean character - something always gets him before the show is over.

The new franchise gamble is called Warhammer 40k, and it’s based on a video game, I know that much. I also know this: I will be spending far more time learning about this World of Warcraft thing than I will ever spend on anything Zazlov and Gunn think will make them money. All they had to do was listen to the Fans, but we all know they won’t do that because they already fired the best thing they had going for them. And they did it a week before Christmas like Grinch and Scrooge decided to jerk themselves imagining money that, like their own flaccid selves, will never come.

I may not know much about Warhammer 40k, but that’s okay. I’m not really worried about it.

My money is on Henry Cavill.

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©Brad Havens, December, 2022